Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
