if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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