I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
