You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
