Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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