i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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