so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
