I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
