You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
