This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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