the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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