She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
