I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
