I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
