my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
