She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
