So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
