3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
