thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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