Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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