she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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