so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
