I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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