if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
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Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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