When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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