Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
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Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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