Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
