Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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