I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
