for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
