I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
