She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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