You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
