apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
