She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
