He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
