That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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