so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
