if i can run in heels then i can drive
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
