remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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