what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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