my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
