do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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