i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
