You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
