dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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