I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
