My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
