Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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