i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
