I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
