holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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