to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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