did you get engaged???
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
