When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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