Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
