so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
