Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
