I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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