My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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