i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
