I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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